I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.