He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles