He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.