He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.