Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.