Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.