Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.