Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.