Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My wife has teeth like the stars... they come out at night.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.