Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I don't get no respect

I'm at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.