I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!