I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I tell ya, it's tough to save a buck. Right now I'm supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.