I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.