I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"