I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!