I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.