I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.