I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

[on 8/24/04, before entering a Los Angeles hospital for heart valve replacement surgery] If things go right, I'll be there about a week, and if things don't go right, I'll be there about an hour and a half.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.