Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times - three while I was reading it.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!