I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.