Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.