Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.