Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.