Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.