Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.