Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.