Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'