Everyone says that looks don't matter, age doesn't matter, money doesn't matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who's broke.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.