I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.