I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.