I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.