I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.