I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

They took a survey: Why do men get up in the middle of the night? Ten percent get up to go to the bathroom and 90 percent get up to go home.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.