I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.