We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.