We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.