Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.