Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.