Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I told my wife 'hey honey come on, let's make love like the old days.' She asked me for 50 bucks.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.