Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.