Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

I don't get no respect, no respect at all!

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.