Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.