After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.