Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."