Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I don't get no respect

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.