Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.