Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".