Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.