One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.