One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.