One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

I have three kids, one of each.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.