My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.