Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.