Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.