Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!