Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.