Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.