I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.