I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I don't know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.