I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.