I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.