My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

When I go to a nude beach, I always take a ruler, just in case I have to prove something.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!