My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles