I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.