I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

He who laughs last didn't get it in the first place.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.