I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.