I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.