I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.