I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.