My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.