My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

What a childhood I had, why, when I took my first step, my old man tripped me!

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.