My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark