My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.