Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I live in a tough neighborhood. They got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.

...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.