Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.