Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.