She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

Never tell your wife she's bad in bed. She'll go out and get a second opinion.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.