She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.