I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.