I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!