I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.