One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles