One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.