My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother