My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.