My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.