My mother used to rock me - and she used big rocks.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.

My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.