Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.