Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I'll put it this way - I had it out.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.