Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?