Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"