Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I've learned to control everything. I don't get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That's life. What good is it to get angry?

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.