I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there!

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.