I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).