I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.