I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do that when you leave.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there's definitely a hooker involved.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.