I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.