At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.
I don't get no respect, no respect at all!
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
People seldom live up to their baby pictures.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."