I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.