I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.