I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.