I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.