I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.