I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!