I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

With sex my wife thinks twice before she turns me down. Yeah, once in the morning and once at night.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.