I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.