I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.