I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

My wife had her drivers’ test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.