I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.