I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?