I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!