I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.