I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can't I meet a girl with normal parents?

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it's not in my act.

A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.