Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names - hers and her mother's.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.