I was a poster child... for birth control!
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.