Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

I was a poster child... for birth control!

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

My wife she's fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she'd be perfectly round.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!