What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I like southern girls. They talk so slow that by the time they say no, I made it already.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.