What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.