What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.