What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!