What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

Hey, did somebody step on a duck?

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.