You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we'd be in a lot of trouble.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.