You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.