You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

You take care and I hope I'll run into you - when I'm driving.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!