You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

I can't get no respect.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught how to beg, and he taught my wife how to roll over and play dead.