You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!