I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.