I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

I've never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.