I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.