My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.