My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.