My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1/2 a calendar!