I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

My life is nothing but pressure. All pressure. This pressure is like a heaviness. It's always on top of me, this heaviness. It's always there since I'm a kid. Other people wake up in the morning, 'A new day! Ah, up and at 'em!' I wake up, the heaviness is waiting for me nice. Sometimes I even talk to it. I say [adopts cheerful voice] 'Hi, heaviness!' and the heaviness looks back at me, [in an ominous growl] 'Today you're gonna get it good. You'll be drinking early today.'

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?