I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.