They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.