They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

Man, who don't like spaghetti?