They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

My wife gives good headache.

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.