They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.