I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!