I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.