I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There MUST be.'

When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.