I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

I know I'm not sexy. In high school I was voted Most Likely to Masturbate.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."