I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I said to a girl I'd been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I'll show you where it's at. She said, You'd better, because the last time I could'nt find it.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.