I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard!

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.