I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.