I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My ex-wife is a water sign and I'm an earth sign. Together we made mud.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.