I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

I have three kids, one of each.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.