I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn - Prancer and Dancer - they dropped off a little something.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.