I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

To give you an idea how well I was doing at the time I quit, I was the only one who knew I quit.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.