My mom took me to a dog show and I won!!

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track and they shot my horse with the opening gun.