She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me… Just the other night she called me from a hotel.