Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

A sense of humor is rare. It isn't telling a joke about how there are three ways to get to heaven. It's being in a restaurant and hearing someone say, Everyone's got their tale of woe, and then turning around and saying, Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tail.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.