Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!