Time and tide and hookers wait for no man.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

My cousin is gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).