My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

I started over again with an image: Nothing goes right. Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, Show respect. With me, you show respect. So I changed the image to I don't get no respect. I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me. The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, Me, too - I don't get no respect. I figured, let's try it again.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

It's nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.