My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife gives good headache.

The shape I'm in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.