My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."