My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.