My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My wife gives good headache.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.