I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.

If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.