I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?"

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

We were poor. we were so poor, in my neighborhood the rainbow was in black-and-white.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.