Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.

I was a poster child... for birth control!

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education.