Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor; they sent a priest up to talk to me and he said, ' On your mark...'

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful - never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."