Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?'

After I got divorced, I said to myself, I will never, ever get married again. It was in cement. I went through a really rough twenty-five years, but it happened again. I fell in love. I told her, Baby, I don't want a prenuptial agreement. This is it. Everyone told me I was nuts. Well, my new wife and I are married six years and we get along great. You can make anything work if you're both givers.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

My family was a bunch of drunks. When I was six I came up missing, they put my picture on a bottle of scotch.