We lived in a neighborhood that was too rich for us. When I was young, I had to deliver groceries to the homes of the kids I went to school with. I had to go to the back doors to make the deliveries. It was embarrassing. That was one thing out of a hundred.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.

I can't figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".