I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must've been something before electricity.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!