I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

My dog learned how to beg by watching me through the bedroom door.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.