I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Better to keep quiet and let people think you're an idiot than speak up and confirm it.