I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I tell ya, with my wife, I got no sex life. Her favorite position is facing Bloomingdale's.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.