I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.