I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

I don't get no respect

You don't know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

Once when I was lost I asked a policeman to help me find my parents. I said to him, 'Do you think we'll ever find them?' He answered, 'I don't know, kid. There are so many places they can hide.

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.