My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I once dated a girl that was wild. She was so wild that one night she gave her phone number to the mechanical bull.