My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

My son's an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

When it comes to sex, at my age I like threesomes. In case one of us dies.

I can't get no respect.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.